Opus Dei

It’s gonna be a great year, it has to be. 2010 would have to be blindfolded and retarded with literally no control of its bowels not to accidently be better than the past few. By that I mean the last three years have just been fabulous. 2010 is shaping up to be a year.

I bought my wife a new car. She loves it. It gets her around in style. I bought it for our 21st anniversary on January 9, 2008. I didn’t realize that I was going to be selling my business and then escorted off my property by my friend of 28 years. But I understand his dilemma; a young convicted felon out of Florida had accused me of making him uncomfortable because I wanted him to do his job. The beautiful thing is that my Chrysler is paid off, that’s a good thing.

It’s fun to start over. You first spend lots of time thinking of all the alternatives, what your talents are, how you can apply them to the lives of others and how you can make money from them. That takes about 10 minutes and then you think you just need a job. This stage I have called “floundering”, because you feel like you’re just floundering. But hard work and some studying can help you realize that there is no way at 46 years old you are going back to school and getting a degree and then becoming a lawyer. This stage I called “WHEW!!” Because you can’t imagine how much more I would rather walk around with my entrails dangling outside of my body than go sit in a stupid college of nearly any kind.

Maytag went out of business immediately following the day the Home Depot guy said this is the state of the art washer and dryer. I buy nothing but the best. Does anyone really need a washing machine? People did without them for hundreds and thousands of years. My new state of the art washer started making continuous beeping sounds and the water won’t stop running. It’s just the control panel so it can be replaced for just over the cost of a new machine. My Grandma spent hundreds of hours reminiscing with me in my back yard and telling stories of her childhood. The hard work that she had to do, how much she loved it, how close it brought her to her family etc. So I don’t really need the washing machine.

My son totaled his car. He just wasn’t watching, that’s the best way to describe it. I want to say that the lady in front of him caused the accident by hitting the person in front of her and then slamming on her brakes, but that would only be technically true. He had the last clear chance, and was too close. Watch out kids. The positive note is that my insurance was paid so they fixed the car. It did save me $10,000 because I had a deal with him that I would give him $10,000 if he went until he was 23 without an accident or a moving violation. It is a great father that bets against his children.

Here’s a really interesting side note. In my Chrysler I keep a small container that I had filled with “Bag Balm” this is an ointment that ranchers use to soften a cows teat. It works on my teats too, but I mostly just use it on my lips. Well, I notice small bits of brown spots at the bottom underneath the balm itself, but it never bothered me. My son asked me the other day what that was at the bottom; I said just something that was in the container when I put the Bag Balm in. It was. In retrospect, what I think must have been in the container before I put the Bag Balm in was Bacteria. Because when I finally took the swipe of ointment that released the liquid poison that was built up into a bubble and wiped it on my lips without looking, naturally my lips began to burn like they were on fire. So being the younger brother of a paramedic-firefighter-military security specialist-bomb diffuser, I did what I knew, I licked them. I was able to keep myself from vomiting though, and only had an upset stomach for about 2 hours. Bacteria go away after a while.

My car was due for an oil change; I waited a couple of weeks because I have had so much to do these days. I took it in today and they changed the oil and rotated the tires and I asked for new windshield wiper blades. They found about $2,000 of major repairs that need to be done because I am leaking oil and fluids everywhere. They’re a great shop so I trust them. Oh yeah, I had the foresight to make the dealer GIVE me a 7 year/70,000 mile warranty on my car when I bought it 4 years ago. That’s because I am a very smart businessman. My mileage is 73,736. I bet Chrysler will work with me though;

Internal revenue is auditing my former company and they want my taxes as well so I am pretty sure at any minute, my doorbell is going to ring and a doctor wearing a tool belt is going to tell me that my testicles are being crushed with a hammer because “it just seems like the thing to do.”

2010 will be fun (said with a raspy high pitched voice)